Get fat for Mothers Day

Yesterday was Mothers Day in this corner of the world.  I suppose this celebration is a chance for my Mum, or Mom as my little brother hilariously refers to her in his odd half American, half South African accent, to put her feet up and reap the rewards of having three loving sons.

Obviously that didn't happen, because my Mother and presumably Mothers all over the world, confuse Mothers Day with Make Your Children Fat Day.

Already having been given a giant trifle, and worrying about how my healthy living plan would incorporate it, I then had to face a huge bucket of KFC and chocolate cakes donated by my girlfriend's mother.

I remember a Garfield comic strip from years ago where Jon's Mother communicates her love to him by feeding him.

That's the same the world over.

Mothers don't care if you're fat.

It's comforting, slightly worrying and I wouldn't change it for the world.

I bet the gym's packed this morning.

What the hell IS the plural of Emo?

Call me old-fashioned, but I just don't get this new craze that's sweeping the nation.  According to the BBC the popularity of self-harm has risen 50% over recent years.

Is this something to do with Emos, or is it Emo's?

There's a lot of pressure on young people these days and they struggle with their body image.  So they use self-harm as a coping mechanism.

I'm not making this shit up, it's right here in black and white.

I'm sure this is no laughing matter and I'm no doctor, but this sounds a lot to me like Attention Seeking Syndrome.

The reasons I believe it to be ASS are the following...

• How does cutting your arm help you cope with feeling shit about the way you look?  It doesn't unless someone gives you some attention
• Why is it always something super-visible, and safe, like the arm.  You never see someone who's just cut their nose off, and you never hear of self-harmers running full tilt into a 3 foot high fence to get a bloody good body shot in.

Looking at pictures of self-harm on the internet encourages people to mutilate their own bodies?  Are these experts mad?  People who look up pictures of self-harm are massively fucking warped in the first place, they don't need any encouragement.

It's like saying that watching porn on the internet will make me pretend to be a pizza delivery boy and cut a hole in the bottom of the pizza box surprising the fetching milf, who keeps in trim by eating pizza in the middle of the day, with my rampant member when she wants to check that her delivery is correct.

Reading that article DID make me want to stick hot pokers in my eyes, so there may be some truth in it after all.

My Precious

Oh no, Howard Stern has said something sensationalistic.  He called Gabourey Sidibe fat as fuck and now he's 'under fire'.

This is an excellent example of how retarded celebrity culture is.  Are the people outraged by Howard 'I'll hide my disdain for fat people under a pretence of being concerned about their health' Stern's comments surprised he came out with that?  No, of course not, it's more publicity for them, Stern, Sidibe and more dollars spent by star struck nobodies who buy-in to this crap.

Gabourey Sidibe is one of those people who you see on the Jerry Springer show.  She'll be up on the stage having taken her muumuu off indicating her body with both hands saying 'you want this, you want ALL of this, I'm a REAL woman' and then rushing off to attack her 5'4 120lb boyfriend.

Hey Bitches!

You know when you watch TV or a movie and the part requires someone hugely fat, or super short, or ugly as sin, or otherwise deformed?  You think to yourself, or say it out loud if you're as annoying as me, 'that actor actually applied for that part knowing that they wanted the ugliest human being in the world to play it.'   Actors don't care about debasing themselves, they have no hearts and quite possibly, no souls.

Here's my point.  Gabourey Sidibe knows that she's monstrously fat and will have to deal with playing roles that are suited to her plus-size physique.  It's not as though they're aren't numerous examples of other fat, black women who have worked their way to some degree of fame and fortune.  I'm thinking Beyonce here but there must be more.

Besides, if only thin, good-looking people were allowed to do any acting we wouldn't have Danny de Vito and that would be unthinkable. 

Big breasts and bananas

For a brief joyous moment I thought it was Kirk Cameron.  The world was in perfect harmony.

'You do mean that annoying little bender from Growing Pains right?'

'No, the one off Lost Boys.'

Bugger.

I don't know much about Kirk Cameron really, but I do know that he and his moustachioed patsy made international laughing stocks out of themselves by using a banana to prove the existence of God.  Until someone pointed out that the banana as we know it is even more genetically altered than Katie Price.  Modifications have been added through the years to enhance the curvature and general attractiveness of both items.  The comparison ends when you consider that bananas have a purpose.

Contrary to what a reasonable human being would believe, I actually do research outside the vicious meanderings that take place inside my head, and deciding to Youtube Kirk, I found this debate between him, his bitch that looks like Bruce from Family Guy and two people from the Rational Response Squad (lame).

I don't recommend you watch the whole thing, just forward to 50% through, as it's just self-righteous bullshit by people who think they're clever, but someone, and it's not the the guy from the RRS because he's obviously gay, played a manipulation masterstroke by having that humongous breasted woman doing the debating.  She's wearing 3 inch heels and a dress that is designed to be old-fashioned and homely and yet accentuate her bigger-than-Kirk-Cameron's-albeit-tiny-head tits.

No man will refute anything she says, and women will think 'well she's a woman in a man's world so good on her'.

Anyway, Corey Haim dies and Chuck Norris turns 70.  Coincidence?

It's spontaneous

Why is everyone trying to be funny all the time?

I was in a training course recently, two trainers, no need for screwing about, just deliver the information please and let me get back to whatever it is I do.  Nuh-uh.  They'd rather make an attempt to engage with the delegates and fulfil their need for an audience.  Bad move, look around, nobody's laughing, you're not a comedy duo.  I'm cringing, but I have that 'I'm not amused' expression on during much of my work day anyway, so it goes unnoticed.

The next day, another training course, this time for the entire day.  The other delegates are a bit more switched on this time, and the 'facilitator' more experienced.  More bloody jokes, plainly rehearsed.  Some woman in a carpark had made a 'dickhead' sign at him, which he communicated to us by making a masturbating gesture from his head. 'I think she was trying to tell me I should be wearing a hat'.

Just stop ok?  If you have to rehearse or plan it, it's not funny.

Oh, it gets worse.  Not content with dumbing down meteorology by allowing dye-job bimbos to talk about it on television, now we have banter with the news presenter I'm an entertainer not just a weatherman.  Well you creepy little puke, take that godamn doohicky you think makes you look like a fucking wizard and stop waving it about with those spastically uncool sweeping hand movements and stick it up your scrawny backside.



Is that point-at-the-camera motion at the end your 'thing' Daniel?

Everyone's a comedian.

I hope you're happy women.  Now that men need a GSOH to get laid, we've all gotta be clowns!

Madagascarrr

You can't move these days without hearing about pirates.  I used to think they were pretty cool, but now I have determined that they are shit.

You think the old style ones are good, with their cutlasses and rum, and Johnny Depp can't even ruin it with his so-bad-its-hilarious 'acting'.  But no, the amount of anal rape that would have been going on just puts me off.

21st century pirates are even worse.  It just a bunch of malnourished Somalians with machetes and non-functional machine guns.

You can tell how shit they are by the fact that you can pay someone to take you on a motherfucking boat with AK-47's and grenade-launchers to murder them.  AND there'll be LOADS of anal rape on board the pirate boats.



Went to a heavy metal festival - pirate themed band
Go to work - some guy phones in speaking like a pirate and not even on purpose
Turn on the news - pirates hijacking a tanker
Go to the theatre - obviously there's a bloody stage-show about them, apparently it's  an 'Escape to a magical world of action, thrills, comedy and fun for everyone'.  There's even an over 18's version.  That'll be where the anal rape is then.

Lastly and predictably, the sexual position.  The Angry Pirate.  According to the instructions you must ejaculate in a girl's eye (or it could be a boy I suppose) and then kick her in the shin really hard.

Let me know if I'm not making that last part clear, or better yet, try it out and view the results from a fair distance.

To be Young and Idealistic

It was the sort of conversation that only men have. We love reflected glory.  

Very casually - 'So, what does your dad do for a living?'

It was a five way conversation and we all wanted to win this one.  I can't remember what anyone else said, because Newkie ever so pithily mentioned that...

'He's retired now, but he used to work for CERN!' Cue thunder and lightning from nowhere.

Bwahahahaha!

On the awesomeness scale, that's like your old man being James Bond, or the guy that invented beer.

'My father is an evil scientist who invented the nuclear bomb' is what he really meant and we knew it.

Knowing that Newkie wasn't massively rich or powerful himself, the only slightly spiteful question reared its head:

'What the hell happened to you then?'

'Well, I was at University, and the plan was for me to become a world-class physicist, but I got bored so I thought I'd get a job'

Duh.