In early 2009 there was a trend on Facebook where people would tag others in a post containing 25 random facts about themselves. The tag was merely to draw attention to the post and I was tagged in so many I decided to bite back. The results were unexpected, I lost friends, people complained at me, I had to delete several extremely unfriendly comments. Mostly people just laughed...
25 "random" facts
1) These 'random things' aren't random at all, they're just "witty" little snippets designed to impress the poor reader with how clever, sweet, caring, etc., the author is
2) Random things are exactly that, random. Things like, I've brushed my hair 13649 times, or, once I saw a dachshund in a park in Boksburg.
3) It's all attention seeking knobbery!
4) We've seen enough photographs to last us a lifetime. Does anyone really think that people look at their tedious drunken images and feel anything but malicia? It's Schadenfreude in its most insipid form.
5) Photographing yourself with your mobile phone is detestable. You'd be better off drawing a self-portrait with your off-hand and smearing it with faeces.
6) Women, men you don't know, or don't know very well, talk to you for 3 reasons. All 3 are orifices. They don't want to be your friend. Lose the ego.
7) Men, stop pretending to be friends with girls. Be a man and admit you want to shag them, and maybe you'd get laid once in a while.
8) Fag-hags, gays are laughing at you behind your back.
9) Curvy is not a synonym for fat.
10) There's been a lot of scoffing recently about the way people dance. Here's the thing, nobody looks good when they dance.
11) Gel. When I was at high school, people would punch you in the face for even knowing what it was.
12) Women who say, 'that's a one-way-street' are neither use nor ornament.
13) People who object to cigarette smoke should stay at home and drink potato juice. Boo-hoo, how would you like it if I pissed on your clothes? Well of course, nobody would like that, but it's not the same fucking thing now is it? Social mores; remember, you don't actually have to buy-in.
14) How would you like to expel a watermelon through the end of YOUR penis? The eternal cry of the self-righteous. If millions of years of evolution had ensured that my main drive in life was to procreate by expelling said fruit from my bell-end, then I would be quite happy and not bitch about how bad it was for the rest of my life. Countless billions of mammals have given birth without epidurals, why is it such a trauma for some women? Oh yes, it's because they can hold it over us, and we can never know how bad it is. Except when sane women mention that, 'it's not that bad really. a few hours of discomfort, but then I created a life so I guess it was worth it.'
15) Eww, it's gross, I don't like the taste, I'm not gonna swallow. Sigh! You'll quite happily swig down pints of Stella followed by a kebab, which is mushed-up ball-sacks anyway, but when it comes to the most sacred substance in existence, you pull a face.
16) Putting '...' as your Facebook status, as in 'Joe Blow is...', or 'Joe Blow just is...' isn't existential or profound. Out of the 500 odd people I pretend to like, about 350 have used that one at some stage.
17) Hah! Facebook is great. I'll write something on your wall, because actually I want everyone I know to pay me some attention, and then when it goes tits-up I'll just pretend it was a joke.
18) How can men over 14 justify listening to anything but heavy metal? I like the delicate melodies. I really think those fucking smelly students are cool with their messy hair and bohemian dress sense. I just love lyrics about love and how many boys can be brought to the yard by one's milkshakes. Shutup! Grow a pair and listen to songs about killing, marauding and bashing-up the weak. What the hell? Music that's not heavy metal is the equivalent of gay porn - it's perfectly acceptable only if you're gay.
19) Men, I propose that we all stop moving from pub to pub when we go out. Let's go to one pub, sit there with our pints (for obviously we will be drinking pints, seeing as we are men) and get pissed. The girls will eventually get sick of having nobody leering at them, and having nobody to cause fights between, and come to us.
20) Following on from that, and in allusion to a previous "random fact", women who say 'oh no darling, he doesn't fancy me, we're just friends' are lying. In fact, they're shagging that bloke. Now, I'm not complaining, cos it is I who is that bloke what I mentioned, but I thought you might want to know.
21) Actually women can't help lying. All these little games, and tests, are there in order to ensure that she is impregnated with the best possible seed, so she's just measuring you up. It's natural. When they say 'nothing's wrong' and you know there is, she's just unconsciously checking to see if you are a worthy father for her future offspring and can figure it out all by yourself. It's evolution and jolly good it is too. I salute you, you natural born liars.
22) Single men who fancy a girl for longer than a week without asking her out should be eradicated. They're letting the side down.
23) Naming your photo album 'random' is dumb.
24) Using the initialism 'LOL' at the end of every sentence is an excellent way to ensure that people know you are just joking. Or as a self-effacing defense mechanism. Or just to separate yourselves from those with more intelligence than a lobotomised orang-utang.
25) Fuck the people of Black City.