Why does Jamie Oliver Twist?

Huntington, West Virginia.  America's fattest city.

Why would someone come up with that epithet?  Just hurt everyone's feelings in Huntington why don't you?  What's that?  Calling them fat as fuck isn't enough?  They're toothless and poor too?  Charming.

To pile on the misery some TV exec thought it would be a good idea to send Jamie Oliver there to rub it in their faces.  Cos that's what I'd do.  Residents of a town fat as fuck?  Send them a chef.

One resident has totally kicked off and has said something along the lines of:

'They think we're all fat as fuck here, but it's bullshit.  We're not waddling down the road eating pizza all day long.  We have our goddamn teeth and we ALL have masters degrees'

On the other hand, their mayor isn't setting a good example as he's 5'9 and weights 233 pounds.

Change this to a man and that's how a mayor should look.  Not really fat at all.

They have more pizza parlors in Huntington than the entire state of West Virginia has fitness clubs, and the mayor has commented that he has never seen anywhere so 'hot-dog oriented' and then blamed it on their culture.  Appalachian.  What does that even mean?

'People from Glasgow are always drunk.  It's their culture.  Scottish.'

Referring briefly back to that article linked at the top, the first photograph is just weird.  Some crazily skinny chick, you can't see if she's got her teeth, is measuring some blokes waist.  But when you read the caption, it's not a bloke, it's a 9 year old boy.  Holy shit!  And his name is Noah Retcher.  What? Is this some sort of joke? Is that a name or a description?  Apparently bulimics are fat because all the purging doesn't really work and by the time they've figured it out it's 150 pounds too late.

Anyway Jamie Oliver, affectionately known to the British media as 'The Cheeky Twat' poked his nose in to try to reduce the level of morbid obesity in Huntington, West Virginia, The World's fattest city.  His welcome was not as warm as he expected.

On a radio show Jamie was told by the DJ that, in Huntington, 'we don't want to sit around eating lettuce all day'.

Now, I don't know about you, and admittedly, I am quite a tough guy, but if someone said that to me, I would probably respond with something like, 'I don't give a shit what you want you prick, I'm getting paid a fucking fortune to come to this God forsaken shithole and make a freakshow TV program about how absolutely awful you Huntington assholes are, so keep your worthless opinions to yourself and promote my show!!!!'

But Jamie Oliver, even though he has a giant head and could totally intimidate loads of people

with his 'I'm homeless and got nothin to lose, bitch' look, did something entirely different...

He started crying like a little girl.  He actually said 'they don't understand me'.  

You know, I'd like to see a serious sort of television presenter, like Ross Kemp, turn up at Oliver's house with a team of tongue-reduction specialist plastic surgeons and a troupe of elocution lesson women to fix him up and see how he likes it.

Hairy Milf

You can get the most amazing information about your blog from Google.  I found out 20 minutes ago that someone had been directed to this website by Google after searching for 'Hairy Milf'.

Apart from the weirdness of that happening, 60 000 other people have also searched for the same thing, this month alone.

I'm amazed at the popularity of hirsute older women.  I've been beating them off with a shitty stick and now I find that they're the next big thing.

One of Life's Great Mysteries

Can anyone tell me what's wrong with this picture?

I've been asked why there's not more misogyny on this blog, and I've been resisting, but I've been forced into this one.

Why is it absolutely necessary for women to use both hands to eat a sandwich?  

Is the sandwich soo heavy it takes the combined strength of two healthy arms to lift?  A large apple is heavier than half a sandwich.  I've never seen anyone eat an apple with two hands.

This must be the fabled puniness that doesn't enable women to put down a simple toilet seat and instead run through the house ranting that it's been left up again.  The absolute best thing about the toilet seat situation is that women have told me in the past that it's no fun accidently falling down the toilet because the seat's been left up.  It may be no fun for you darling, but would be hilarious for me.

This post, like many others, was inspired by my wonderful girlfriend, who sarcastically remarked to me yesterday, ' I suppose you think you're clever eating that sandwich with one hand.'  I was, in fact, eating a sandwich with one hand.  

Bully For You

You know when people say 'Oh, I wish I could do it all again, be young again with what I know now.' And then they've got nothing else to say on the matter?  What would they actually do?  Study harder?  Brush their teeth more? 

Not start smoking probably.  That'd be one of mine.  I've stopped now though, through sheer power of will, none of those girly patches or gum (gum!), and you don't really understand the negative impact it's having until you quit.

Now I'm determined to be as self-righteous about filthy smokers as possible.

Filthy Dirty Cigarettes

Moving on, there is one other reason I'd love to be young again, knowing what I know now (It's time to become even more unpopular).

I'd become more of a bully.

There was all the normal hazing and peer pressure at high school.  I remember flushing some kid's trousers down the toilet after rugby practice and then the next day his friends from a higher year made me buy them cigarettes as punishment.  Of course we picked on the usual suspects, the nerds, the fatties, the quadruple amputees, the girls with uni-brows (which I see are back in fashion), but everyone left the special children alone.  

You know the ones, those that squeal really loudly in the middle of a lesson for no reason.  The ones that don't really join in the team sports, but seem to be running off in random directions and then come back with a bloody nose, the ones whose parents send them to school in dirty clothing and with a yoghurt and a packet of pork scratchings for lunch because that's all they'll eat. Even the teachers were tolerant and we had some weird-ass teachers, flinging overhead projectors, coming into work drunk speaking foreign languages, accusing me of flirting with them even.  

Yeah, everybody felt a little uncomfortable around those kids.  The ones with ADHD, ASS and/or oMUSH.  Medical science tells us that bad behaviour can be due to a mental disorder.  No shit?  

Had I my time in high school again, apart from treating the girls differently, I'd definitely bully those children more.

Those are the younger incarnations of the adults that now feel entitled.  The adults that treat others with no respect and who can't learn the simplest lessons.  You probably pay for their existences (and their vile offspring) with your tax money as they can't be fucking bothered to hold down a job.  

Hazing and bullying at high school gave us a hierarchy that we didn't get at home, we started to understand a social pecking order.  Fit in or fuck off.  I learnt some harsh lessons and hopefully I can instil in my children a desire to learn those lessons earlier and better, but those special kids didn't learn any of those lessons.  

If I could go back twenty years, I'd walk up to those little bastards and give them a bloody good punching.

Just doing my bit for society.

Ay Caramba!

Now that I've been hailed as an international sex expert (I can't use the ridiculous word 'sexpert' as portmanteaux are banned from my blog) I would like to share with you a question asked by a very confused young lady from NYC.

Is that cool, calling it NYC? I hope so.

Which finger is best to use for the Dirty Sanchez?

When you think about it, the answer's obvious.  The one with the most shit on it.

On the same subject, I find it amusing that Dirty Sanchez the TV show has had to have its name changed for North American audiences.  Plainly the phrase Dirty Sanchez refers to an act so vile that the only synonym for it is a Stinky Hitler and by association is quite racist towards Mexican people.  The name has had to be changed to Team Sanchez because that doesn't sound like group coprophilia at all nor does it make any reference to uncalled-for negative racial stereotypes.

It's also amusing that a group of Welsh boyos would choose such a name for their televised exploits, I can't imagine where you would place a moustache on a sheep.

4 Sexual Positions you haven't tried yet

Subtitle - Or if you have I'm calling the police

The Spider

The female gets on all fours, legs and arms straight with butt poking out as far as possible.  The male climbs on top, at a 90 degree angle, limbs splayed, simulating the 8 legs of a gross hairy spider.  What's unique about this sexual position is that actual penetration is impossible.

The Huddled Fetus

While it has an incredibly disturbing name, this may be the most satisfying for the ladies.  The Huddled Fetus is a direct follow-up to the Angry Pirate mentioned previously in this blog. In essence gentlemen, you get kicked in the balls.

Stroke the Beaver, Smell the Witch

Well, one hand strokes the beaver and you use your nose to smell the witch.  

The Bogwash

Simply put, you do the woman from behind with her head shoved down the toilet.  At the moment of climax, you flush the toilet.  A small variation on this is when your girlfriend or wife has had one sherry too many and she's heaving her guts into the bowl and you ravish her while she's at her lowest ebb.  A word of warning, you have to hold her hair back so it might not be worth the hassle.

Thanks for the advice

Sometimes it takes a foreigner to speak English properly.

We say

Know your limitations

or

You can't get blood out of a stone

Polish people say

You can't jump higher than your cock

I'd like to point out that I know only one Polish person and he seems quite mad.

I used to know another one, a girl, but she didn't like me any more after finding out that I was 'boastful'.  

Normally it's because I'm a bastard or something, but whatever.