Friday, 19 February 2010

Dumped by Facebook

We've all been dumped via Facebook.

There's an outpouring of sympathy and schadenfreude on your profile page which you read numbly because you didn't know yet and all these people pretending to care got the news before you.

You didn't notice her manicure so she stormed out of the restaurant in a huff, went straight home, changed her status to single and set about answering dozens of personal messages from blokes she said were just friends.  And now she's gonna fuck em all!

My story is nothing like that, and for another time.  Today I'm going to tell you the story of Dale.

I work with Dale and he's a good bloke.  He is abstinent for years at a time, open about it and takes the savage ribbing he receives in good humour.  He hangs about with women he fancies with in the vain hope that they'll see what a great guy he is and shag him.  We all know that this tactic is futile and I tell Dale this often, but it doesn't stop him.  His latest object of adoration, Abby, is very sweet and like many of her sex, laughably believes that men want to be friends with her because of her great personality.  She spends time with Dale outside of work and they are jolly good chums.

It seems as though Abby has also made friends with Dale's best mate, another 30 something male, who evidently wants to hang with a 21 year old girl with gigantic and frequently on-display breasts,  simply because they have loads in common.  Anyway, Abby and best mate went to the movies, as friends, and Dale wasn't impressed.  On their next jolly-good-friend night out Dale taught Abby a lesson by drunkenly swapping spit with her best mate.  Abby's best mate is the sort of woman who you are nice to because she might have fit friends, and once you've met them, she will become invisible.

Beer-goggles in full force, Dale said all the usual things you say when you stupidly cop-off with someone you know, but don't fancy at all, but they have two tits and a hole so you might as well do it cos every hole's a goal.

Obviously, once the booze wears off, the regret sets in and Dale weighed up his options...

Pursue a relationship with object of desire's best friend, but actually I'm not attracted to her without 8 bottles of Blue Wicked in me, and I'll never get to strump Abby as friend's boyfriends are off-limits.


Be honest and say 'Abby, I'm only nice to you because I want to get in your knickers. Shag me, or we're not going to be hanging out any more and I'll make a move on one of the other thousands of eligible women out there.'


Send the less attractive, hopeful and sensitive best friend an invite to the Facebook group - I was drunk, I dont remember it, therefore it didnt happen

The 3 letter combination 'lol' was made for times like this.

I'm a senior member of staff in the office we work, so I've got to pretend to be appalled, but Dale, here's a virtual high five!

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