Thursday, 18 February 2010

5 Steps to Losing Weight with Dignity

You're a bloke. You want to go to the gym to get a bit fitter, slimmer or more ripped. Or do you have an ulterior motive? Like to act weirdly. Or come out of the closet?

Here are 5 simple ways to maintain a little more decorum in the gymnasium and please, avoid the Locker Room Showdown

Right, here's the acceptable time for nudity at the gym - When you are getting changed!

Only closet victims like you want to see another man's tiny knob and pendulous sack in the locker room. Gays don't look and straights don't want to see it.

I get the impression that some guys are trying to say 'Hey, I'm comfortable with my body and being nude is no big deal. I'm so cool'. No, you are not, you are a tool.

Do you actually shave in the nude at home? Do you absolutely have to dry your feet with one leg up on a bench? Stop standing around chatting with no bloody clothes on, this isn't ancient Greece!

Nudity 2
Ok, the other side of this is equally weird, but not as disturbing.

At the gym I go to there are booths for tanning with a miniscule space between a half-door and the booth. The half-door is one of those that cover a normal person from neck to knees.

People will squeeze in there to get changed so nobody can see their tiny cock. It takes 40 minutes to get dressed but at least nobody's seen your cock.

Right, I've got my towel wrapped around my waist, and now I'll put my t-shirt on, and now I'll put my underwear on while still wearing this towel. Hahahaha, what the hell?!?! That's really convoluted and it makes you look like a huge bender.

Yea, I appreciate they are for drying hair. Hair on your head, dumbass!

Feet, backs, armpits. I almost had a psychotic break when I saw this for the first time. Why would someone not just use a towel?

I feel like ramming the dryer up the miscreant's arse when I see this. 'Try dressing with this crammed up your crack dickhead'. Ahh, Caddyshack.

Staring at chicks
For God's sake. Stop staring at women sideways you giant homos!

I was waiting at the top of the stairs for my girlfriend. Now, she is beautiful and I expect men to stare longingly, but why are they doing it sideways? Oh yea, of course, unless they are drunk, men are scared of women. 50% of men drink so they have the courage to speak to women. Losers! Of course when she walks within earshot they resume their loud chat about protein drinks. Yea, I know what sort of protein drinks your kind likes.

In the giant cardio room, loads of fit birds, tight pants, tight shorts, tight tops. Men staring and trying to look cool. Raise your hand if you've ever scored with a chick who didn't know you existed by looking 'cool' (inverted commas because you don't look cool, you look like a tool).

Not sure if women want to be predatorised at the gym, but you might want to make the attempt rather than acting like a 13 year old watching porn with his mates.

Why are you competing with me?

These tossers get on the cardio machine next to you, slyly look over, so you panic briefly thinking they're going to touch you up, see what speed/setting you are on, and go 1 higher.

I would never think of doing something like that. So you've got 20 years on me, and can get to 14 on the cross-trainer, hooray for you. Now piss off!

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