Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Eyes Front

If you've read this blog before you may have realised that there are two important topics that I often touch upon often.  Breasts and smoking.  I'm leaving breasts alone for the meantime.  In a blogging sense.  In real life they're quite moreish.

I smoked for years and when I made the decision to finally give up I found it remarkably easy. One thing that certainly helped was our nanny-state of a government banning smoking in public places, meaning that one could no longer sit in a bar and have a peaceful cigarette with a beer and thoughts of world domination.  You had to go outside and stand in the rain with a bunch of drunk, smelly assholes.  This was when I realised that most of the people who still smoked were too stupid to have given up.  It also drove home to me that there was one benefit of smoking that nobody had though about before:

Pubs smell like piss.

You know the traditional smell of a bar that's just opened?  Stale beer and stale cigarettes.  It's not pleasant, but it's not offensive, and it brings back memories.  Memories of thinking, 'it's 11am Saturday, I can go shopping with the girlfriend and watch her hold stupidly expensive dresses against herself, or I can go and sit in a basement pub and get some peace and quiet while she wastes all my money'.

Well, you can't do that sort of thing any more, because every single bar where you could have some peace smells like a tramp's underpants.

There are several rules about when and how often, as a man, you are allowed to go for a piss when you're drinking beer.
  1. If you need a piss before you've had 3 pints you have a small cock.
  2. You must leave at least a pint between pisses.  For example if you have a piss on pint number 4, you're not allowed to piss again before pint number 6.
  3. If you're still managing to follow rules 1 and 2 by the time you've reached pint number 8 you're a better man than me.
When you do have to go for a piss, or like everyone else, you claim to be checking out the jukebox/barmaid or talking to someone you know that's over the other side of the pub, so you don't have to admit that you have a small cock because you've only had 2 pints and your bladder has been bursting for 15 minutes now, there should be only 1 rule:
  1. Don't look at my cock
I can tolerate the drunken rambling, the blokes who are super friendly and want to laugh and joke with you, the stare straight ahead and have no emotion guys and I can even tolerate the guy who spends more than 7 nano-seconds looking in the mirror (another rule that all straight men should follow) checking that his product is keeping his boy-band hairdo tippity top.

I cannot tolerate the bloke that looks at my cock.

Why would you want to watch a bloke's cock while he's pissing?

I think that a well-kept vagina is one of the most beautiful things in creation.  A vagina, no matter how well kept, with hot steaming piss gushing out of it, I'll give that one a miss.  

I'm not one to pass judgement (haha I am really) on another human being, but if you seriously have ever looked at a man's cock while you're having a piss next to him, you may wish to have a long hard think about where you want to go with that.


  1. OK so last night at the pub I couldnt stop "lol" at men who went to the loo befor there 3rd pint!!
    it made my night to be fair so fo this thank you Iain for your words of wisdom xx

  2. My pleasure Amie

    and thank YOU for telling everyone my real name.