Wednesday, 24 March 2010

It's a Bland New Way

I'm a huge fan of Asterix the Gaul, by Goscinny and Uderzo.  It's childish and at the same time quite erudite, the characters are memorable and it's educational.  The part that often sticks in my mind is the story where Asterix, Obelix and Dogmatix venture to Rome to rescue their village bard.  They are recruited by a slimy Gladiator trainer to fight in the Coliseum and when they visit his domus he remarks

'Come along in...We'll have a light meal.'

to which Obelix responds

'Couldn't we have a heavy meal instead?'

This most often sticks in my mind whilst I'm grocery shopping.  Why is everything 'light' or 'lite'?  It's horrid.  I'm probably alone in this, but I don't want 'lightly salted' chips.  I want 'heavily salted' chips.

What's the point?

There's a diet version of everything, and it's all evil marketers playing on people's low self-esteem.  In reality, a healthy version of something is something else.  A Diet version of Coke would be 'some water'.  Low-fat mayonnaise would be 'no mayonnaise'.

Lite food is all tasteless crap and it doesn't work anyway.  You never see skinny people drinking Diet Coke, they drink Coke.  Fat people drink Diet Coke with their Big Mac and large fries.

It's not just food that is becoming bland and unremarkable.  It's our entire culture.  When I was a teenager our elders hated our music and our habits.  Now I just look at teenagers and think 'Wankers!', they're so boring.

Ooo, I've got a Myspace and I've posted hundreds of pictures on Facebook of me looking gangsta.  Jesus, that's so lame.  You even have movements of teenagers dedicated to NOT having sex.

I could go on forever about how bland shit is, so I'll just list some incredibly bland shit

  • Coldplay - How boring can you possibly get?
  • The Bounty Hunter Movie - Yes, let's get a couple of 'beautiful' movie stars and write an immensely mundane script and then put them on a massive poster with wry grins on their faces, using the absolute worst byline anyone has ever read - 'Hunt down your ex - best job ever' oh haha, how trite.  Jennifer Aniston's got a funny face by the way.  
  • Dog the Bounty Hunter - Umm, he doesn't do anything.  I'll talk these guys into giving themselves up and then have a little pray with them.  Just beat someone with a stick would you?!?!
  • Girls Aloud - They have a clause in their contract stating that they must have completely different hairstyles to each other at all times or you wouldn't be able to tell them apart.
  • The Hurt Locker - nothing happens
  • R&B - There's no tune, just some bloke talking softly, or a woman wailing away like she's giving birth.
  • Soccer - Run up the field, run back.  It's illegal to kick the ball too far.  Cheat ALL the time and when someone scores a goal it's a fucking momentous occasion.
  • X-Factor - Great, you sound the same as every other forgettable pop singer so we'll put you through.  You can do annoying vibrato and sing nasally, you're through.  Are you from Ireland, everyone loves twee little bastards from Ireland, you're through.
  • U2 - Bland, bland, bland, bland, bland
Were I a conspiracy theorist I would say that our secret masters are manipulating events to make us all utterly mindless and easier to control.

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